


Narcissism

by donntlookatme



Series: Kagepro Slash challenge [1]
Category: Kagerou Project
Genre: Comfort fic, I cannot believe I wrote this haha, M/M, implied self-harm and suicide maybe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-01
Updated: 2014-12-01
Packaged: 2018-02-27 16:56:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2700377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/donntlookatme/pseuds/donntlookatme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shintaro ends up living with himself. Maybe it's for the best.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Narcissism

**Author's Note:**

> I'm beginning a christmas challenge of writing a fanfic every day until christmas, a different ship each day. So, enjoy the shincest, I guess. There's isn't much else to say except that I'm selfcest writing trash.

     Shintaro can't remember the last time he was happy. He remembers he was, or used to think he was happy. He doesn't remember much of his school life, not anymore- the only memories that are clear to him are tainted with red, with agony and things he doesn't want to think about. Then there's the years spent in isolation- they all blend into one, day after day of melancholy and endless browsing through whatever he found to get his mind off things. When he looks back at it, his life is surprisingly empty- there's three, maybe four memories that he holds dear, the rest being either too hauntingly average to be worth remembering, or so painful that he has to keep them to remind himself, a quiet voice repeating _you did this_ to the point where he wants to scream. He maybe had happy memories, or at least thought they were happy, but now they're all washed away in favor of the countless tragedies that he has to remember. And then the time when he slowly flew back into life came. He's met people, he's dealt with a few things, a quiet calmness spreading through him. He finally managed to tear himself out of the flood of red going through his vision anytime he closed his eyes, managed to tell the voice to _shut the hell up, i'm trying to fix it_ , managed to help the kids that came to be his friends. Still, Shintaro couldn't bring himself to be happy- he was content, yes, but something was missing, there still was something in his chest that made him realize that no, this wasn't really happiness. 

     And then he'd lost it all again. He'd woken up in his room, curtains closed, his back on the ground. His head was pounding, his eyes hurt and he was sure something wasn't right. That was when he noticed the person lying on his bed- no, not person- it was him, lying on his own bed, crying, with bloody wrists and scissors in his hands. He doesn't remember much of that, either. There's only fragments of him grabbing the other, trying to stop the bleeding trying to save the other's life, despite it being him, someone who he'd gladly kill just a few months ago. He remembers crying, cursing his fate, realizing that he'll probably be stuck here forever.

     This him is different, even worse off than he was. This him is lonelier, quieter, way more broken. Momo isn't in the house, and neither is their mother- they seem to send him money once a month, enough to live by. It seems like Momo is touring to make more money, leaving his other self alone. There's no Ene either- he didn't even try asking, afraid of the answer. Naturally, he didn't meet anyone from the dan, doesn't know anything about the eye powers. Shintaro doesn't know if it's for the better or the worse, but he leaves it like that. There's no Tono either- probably never was. He doesn't ask about that either. It's just the two of them in the house. Shintaro goes out to buy groceries sometimes, suprising himself by how healthy the foods he starts picking are. Maybe it's because he's grown. Maybe it's because it hurts to see his other self barely eat, and if anything, only half of a cup of some instant ramen. He tries to get them both to eat properly now, even going as far as learning how to cook. The other him usually stares at the food bitterly, before taking a tentative bite, then another, then another, until he's eaten well over half the bowl. The other Shintaro helps him with the rest of the chores. He's cleaned the entire house by himself during the first week, then kept it clean for another two weeks before the other joined him (he was surprised when his other self started to joke about him being a cleaning lady- he hadn't felt comfortable joking until about a month of Ene's bugging, even then he felt a bit uncomfortable).

     To be honest, when he first saw the other after he recovered, he expected him to kill him. He noticed the other's bloodshot eyes (from crying, Shintaro knew that too well), his gaze empty and Shintaro could almost feel the hate he used to be flooded with only a while ago. He was surprised when nothing like that happened. The first few days, nothing happened at all, the other ignoring him completely, not talking, just staring into the computer screen. Shintaro almost started hating himself again back then- actually seeing himself act like that was so, so different, his heart clenching every time he saw his other self. He'd decided that if he ever met the Momo from his timeline again, he'd apologise to her a thousand times.

     On the fifth day, he found himself crying. He rushed into the room immediately when he saw the other's head on the keyboard, expecting to see blood, expecting the worse to happen, his blood freezing. The wave of relief that washed over him when he saw the other's chest jerking with a sob didn't make him feel any better, but at least the other wasn't dying.

      He doesn't know shit about comforting people, wouldn't be able to comfort a child even if all it would take was buying them ice cream. Still, and it seemed so strange to him, he knew how to comfort himself. He knew himself well enough, knew the words he needed to hear, just never had someone say them. 

     „It's not your fault.“ he muttered quietly, leaning down to wrap his hands around the other's shoulders, „It's not your fault.“ the push that met him wasn't unexpected, Shintaro looking into his own crying face (and it was fucked up how much it hurt him to see his own self like this, but he didn't care, he just wanted the other to be happy).

„What would you know.“ the other choked out at him, as if trying to surprass the sobbing. Shintaro almost laughed at that, but that wouldn't do the other good at all.

„More than enough.“ he said back, trying to sound as reassuring as possible. He leaned in again, wrapping his arms around the other Shintaro. „It's okay, it's not your fault. It's okay.“ the choked sobs continued, except this time the other didn't push away. Shintaro didn't know how long he's spent holding the other, his hands moving over the other's back in what he thought were soothing moves. The other ended up falling asleep in his arms, Shintaro lying down on the floor, knowing his back would hurt like hell in the morning but not really caring.

     It's been two months since then- the other Shintaro seems to have gotten healthier and hopefully also a little happier. They sleep on the same bed now, the other Shintaro usually wrapping his arms around him before falling asleep. He looks kinda cute like that, he thinks. He's thought that a lot during the past two months, and the strangeness of calling himself -even if a different version of himself- cute slowly faded away. The other Shintaro wasn't him, despite looking exactly the same. They spend most of their time together (he bought himself another computer so both of them can work at the same time), usually just sitting next to each other and doing their own things. Sometimes, and that's the moments Shintaro enjoys the most, they sit on their bed and watch movies together, both of them quiet. There's no need for words between them, they know each other well enough to just know. Sometimes, one of them falls asleep, leaning on the other's shoulder, and always wakes up tucked into bed, with the other lying next to him.

     This time, it's something else altogether. He wakes up only to see his other self wide awake, staring at him. He gets scared for a moment- there's been so many times one of them woke up because of nightmares- but the other seems to be okay. He feels something touch his cheek, dimly realizing it's a hand. It isn't unpleasant, and he gives the other a questioning look. The other Shintaro seems to be thinking about something, various expressions crossing his face.

    And then he shifts and there's something warm on the corner on his lips and oh. _Oh_. This is definitely new. He feels his head swimming, but the other pulls away, seems to be searching his face for either a sign to continue or to get rejected. Shintaro decides for him, pulling him close for another kiss, doesn't even think about why he's doing it. It comes completely natural, a feeling that this is something right, something that should happen spreading through him. His arms wander towards the other's hips and he presses himself a bit closer to the other, so their chests touch.

     They don't know much about kissing, never kissed anyone before, but they learn together, starting off with dry presses of lips against lips, turning into soft nipping at the other until they finally found out how to open their mouths, their breaths and saliva mingling. Suddenly, everything feels a lot warmer and he feels like his entire body is alive, and then their teeth accidentally bump and the other Shintaro presses his forehead against his own and he's smiling, smiling the sweetest smile Shintaro's ever seen on him. They kiss again, their hands sliding over their bodies, from Shintaro's hair to his back to his hips. He gets bold for a moment and squeezes the other's ass, gasping when the other squeezes his as well. He pulls back to kiss the other's neck, sucking at it gently until he hears a quiet groan from the other. He feels fingers tangling in his hair, threading through them carefully and he lets out a quiet moan of his own.

    Their hips press together at some point and he realizes that both of them are hard, that both of them want this. He doesn't waste any time, sliding his hand down the other's sleeping pants until it's wrapped around the other's erection. It feels exactly the same, except completely different as touching himself. He starts moving it up and down, stroking over the head with irregular intervals. He knows exactly how, exactly what he likes, and soon the other is crying out, embarrassingly loudly for the silence of the room. He kisses him, but then he feels a hand on his abdomen, sliding down towards his own dick. 

He doesn't know how much time passes, of them stroking each other and kissing, but soon he feels liquid spill over his hand, reaching his own climax only a moment later and sighing into the other's mouth. 

He sits up, pressing a kiss against the other's forehead and reaching for the tissues. He cleans them both up, throwing the tissue into the trashcan, lying down next to the other, giving him one more kiss and a smile before closing his eyes as well. There are no words- it's not like they need anything to say, anyway.

The next morning, Shintaro wakes up to the other's smile and thinks that maybe he can be happy just by himself.


End file.
